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Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in a10blondiiee's LiveJournal:

Monday, January 2nd, 2006
7:32 pm
society's video target audience
During the Wt study the Respect Jehovah's Authority video came up. (The Korah vs Moses account.) A visiting brother from Bethel made a follow up comment that this video was created with a target audience in mind: those who have been serving for many years. Especially the 40 something elders and brothers in general.
I'll have to re-watch with this in mind.

Current Mood: curious
6:50 pm
How healthy can our lives be (the very thing we've dedicated to Jehovah) if we're not being 100% truthful in them. Even in the emotional aspect.
I wonder if God would have given us the ability to have, like, anger if it weren't for our good? I mean it must be just as legit and important as the rest, like ability to experience joy.
He just HAS to have given it to us for a reason. At the very least as incentive for positive change. (Even if they seeeem 2b micro/internal changes they produce big fruitage. And healthier, more beautiful/truer fruit for Jehovah in the long run.)
Gotta make sure to unwrap those internal boxes of crudd. Take them out of the scarry/freaky wrapping "paper" examine & experience. Then, when we let ourselves experience it truly, then it looses its grip and we can move on. They stop being our monsters and we get 2b their master. Until then, it will continue to be baggage and a drain.
"The truth will set you free" right? And so it is in every aspect of our lives.
Besides, isn't that the epitome of walking in 'The Way' and being a Witness? It's the most truthful way of life there is. Or pursuit there of.
Guess I sound psychobabel-y but I have strong convictions on this one. I'm coming from years of experience in unwinding twisted stoic German upbringing. Gotta take care of this--pass on more expressiveness/safety in emotion--to friends and fam.

Current Mood: good
Saturday, December 31st, 2005
7:24 pm
I'll just jump right in.

Sometimes i wonder if i should just relinquensh the hope of life ever being normal.
Was it ever really 'normal' to begin with?
Even before Dad died it was chaos. I hate the thought of that whole thing. But now that I've brought it up I have to write it out.

It seems like he's really been gone for a much longer time. I was on this road trip with a gfriend a few years ago. We saw some excruciatingly beautiful sites. But there was this constant homesickness feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wanted my dad to be there. And too I wanted to run home to dad and tell him all about the cool stuff I'd seen and gotten to do. It was almost pallatable the day we went to Alcatrz Island. We just happened to be there Homecomming Day when former guards and inmates come back to tell stories and autograph books, etc. I couldn't BELIEVE how freakingly cool it was that I got to go there and happen to be there for that day. I wanted him to be there so badly.
Dad died this spring.
Dad is dead. Gone.
The vessel that was once full of ideas and dreams and creativity got emptied. It's all gone. And the vessel that used to cary me on his shoulders, hold my hand through a crowd, pick me up when I was tuckered out, help me with a new art project, build a paper mache volcanoe for school, and horse costume for a party--it's all over with.
Those hands. I was amazed that somebody could have hands that big. I had to just hang on to one finger at a time.
We always had a plan for if I couldn't hold on and got lost.

My voice cracks when I say that it was actually a relief. When I got the call that there had been an incident at work and he'd been helicopperd to the hospital I have to admit I said a tiny little prayer that he would be relieved of his painful existance.
And ever since it's been months of analyzing. thinking about the kind of legacy I would leave behind. would it be one of relief? would those I love sigh and finally relax?
I don't want that. I want there to be a hole where growth and happiness had once been. I want it to have been filled with living, with beauty, health, expression, trueness. I want my life to be painfully beautiful. And badly misspelled. :)
I was in the passenger's seat recently as Bonn & I passed this old man that looked like my dad. He was all grey. Walking back from the grocery store. I'm glad it wasn't really him. Full of bitterness. Anger. He's calm now. There was so much hopelessness in his life at the end.
But still I was sick, when I realized it wasn't Dad.
Sometimes there's a split second where I wake up from a dream where I thought my dad was there. Or I've seen a guy's silouete in the doorway that looks like him. I feel sick in my throat. I want to yelp when the reality hits.

We came back from hiking recently and I couldn't wait to get home and tell dad all about it. See what he'd been up to while we were out. Your stomach just lurches and you move on.
I hope that the thought of the New System will start to be automatic. I still have to walk myself through the reality of the ressurection every time. And that when it comes Dad will be perfect and whole. I'll get to say how sorry I am and he'll be able to show me all of the cool new stuff he can do. What he's been perfecting lately. Growing younger. More compassionate. More in harmony. His brain synapses will be perfectly firing. I'll get to understand. He'll show me how to not get lost any more.

Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, January 25th, 2005
3:34 am
So much has happened. A new house having been the biggest of the changes. Jehovah is so great. I quit my job Thursday. SCARRRRRRRY!!! I should have done that 3 years ago. I'm so psyched. Hope I stay that way. Well, this precious computer time should really be spent on my resume & monster.com, etc. Bri Guy, hope you're doing well & still have my #. I'm hardly ever on the 'puter these days. ~a~

Current Mood: grateful
1:52 am
cookies & nuts
Cookies should NOT have nuts in them

Current Mood: contemplative
Monday, October 25th, 2004
3:06 am
silly stuff
scarrily true...

12:58 am
the other day

i had a


Wednesday, October 13th, 2004
11:41 pm
I laid $108 down for some serious Rolfing today. My fingers and arms are still tingling. I pestered a few 24hour pharmacists for a while yesterday. Asking lots of questions about some old Rx's. Maybe I'll switch from a mscl rlxnt to just a pain killer. I've even doubled up on them & still the stabbing in my neck wont stop. Trying another rolfer tomorrow. $120 plus tip. Sheesh. Seriously reconsidering any careers ever involving computers again. Or driving. Saw an add for a bobcat opperator today...

The cats are...well, lighter. We no longer have a boy and a girl. Me and the roommie are now the proud owners of "Its".

I woke up w/green marker all over my sheets this am. Oops!! I forgot--I've gotta go home and put them in the dryer. oPoopie.

I wanna Hybrid.
Sunday, October 10th, 2004
11:29 am
QB and love stuff
just typed a bunch of cool stuff about this weekends quick build. Then lost it. Ooopsies. met cool people. Very diffrent from VA crews. Gotta go ice down my neck & stuff.
Friday, October 8th, 2004
1:40 am
I really want to be majorly mean but...
Won't SOMEbody out there convert Lyle Lovett?!

I'm going to go ice down my neck....frozen peas rock.
Thursday, October 7th, 2004
10:50 pm
We have cool people in my cong. but they never do anything!!!! There are so many interesting things to do around here but nobody gets pumped about stuff. That's one of the downers of living in a desert. There's nothing but sand and money. (Not mine of course.) But there's nothing to do but go make money and then spend it on alcohol or trucks or houses or better trucks or a better house w/ a better mini bar, etc.

The other cruddy thing is that the only *serious* ex I have is here and no matter where I go I'm reminded. I hate that. If only I could pass by ___restaurant/movie/house/gym/etc.___ and think 'whew! I narrowly escaped that one. Glad I didn't marry him.' But nooooo. I pass by ___restaurant/movie/house/gym/etc.___ and remind myself of how dumb I was. Cringe.

I just think a post-bookstudy Starbucks would be nice. Ideally I want to get people over to one of my favorite little discoveries--a pub with Irish music every night. And despite BEING in a strip-mall it FEELS like you're in Ireland inside. I love it. But not everybody is up for that. So I'd settle for a Starbucks.

I ended up meeting friends from another cong. for drinks, etc. I found out that almost half of the people at the table wern't Witnesses. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? And it kind of freaked me out that nobody else seemed to care. And my roommate was one of them.

I hope it'll be fun & not stressful.

Current Mood: despite it
Wednesday, October 6th, 2004
12:22 am
When I was a kid
I always thought
I'd grow up and marry
Lyle Lovett.
Friday, October 1st, 2004
1:21 am
New Experiences
Fainting, having a million dollars in my bank account, pioneering, living in Ireland, visiting Spain, recieving an anonamyous letter.

What do these things all have in common? They're all things that I've never experienced but would like to. Well Ladies and gentlemen: We can cross one off! Yessiriebob. Today, while at work I was opening 2 weeks worth of mail and found myself reading something that started out

"Dear *****,

You don't know me but I feel I've known you..."

At first I thought it was a hoax. One of those 'We saw your enormous butt at the beach and, you should be ashamed. We're giving you the opportunity to turn your life around with our stupendous $$nocellulite$$ program...'

But then I realized they really did know me. But there was really no point to it. No constructive criticizm or anything.

Really weird. Idono.

I'll look at it again tomorrow.
Thursday, September 30th, 2004
10:51 am
you know you're a ___ when
You know you're truly blessed when you keep having to buy thank you cards*.

*Not for *things* but for *people*
Friday, July 9th, 2004
4:06 pm
Objects in motion...
I woke up yesterday morning to barking. Not from a dog. From my dad. I finally got up to take him to work (as my car is in the body shop) (It wasn't my fault!) ;) I get up. Grab the keys. And then more barking. I peek around the corner and find the heap that is currently my transportation in the middle of the road. Well, not exactly in the MIDDLE. But the rear end touched the middle of the road. Lets just keep it positive: the FRONT half of the truck was in the driveway.
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